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Have you read these?

Privacy - Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007

'Cause I'm a Loser Baby - Monday, Jun. 25, 2007

Movies - Wednesday, Apr. 11, 2007

Too Much Excitement - Sunday, Apr. 01, 2007

Spring is Finally Here - Sunday, Mar. 25, 2007

Read a random entry of mine.

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Friday, Mar. 16, 2007 - 10:22 p.m.

Busy-ness comes in waves at work and right now it is high tide. My most recent project found me working with a very nice, so-smart-he-can-hardly-function-in-reality-fellow, and a fellow so revolting that he looks like the picture I'd expect to see next to the definition of the words "child molester" in a dictionary. The extremely smart fellow was very polite, kind, and did what he said he would do. The child molestor guy wanted to sit entirely too close to me for comfort and blew off his responsibilities until the very last possible minute. Not only that, but he argued with me and a higher up about corrections to his last minute (read slapshod) work. He made my life hell yesterday. I'm so glad that I don't have to work with him again in the forseeable future.

A female coworker friend was incensed by his rudeness and curious about him after I described him as I did above. So we did what two females often do in such a situation; we went on a spy mission. I had to drop off a document to him, so I took my female coworker with me. When I got to his cube, I stood back as far as I physically could while still being able to hand him the document. I did a veritable dump and run. I just about flung the document at him while simultaneously saying, "here you go," and hightailing it out of there towards the elevator. As soon as we got on the elevator, we both spontaniously commenced the heebie jeebie dance. I think she was the first to vocalize that being around him gives you the feeling like you need a shower because he is so creepy. Some unknown innocent bystander was in the elevator watching us with a cocked eyebrow. Maybe he'd never seen the heebie jeebie dance before.

Later, I did what any mature upright citizen would do. I wrote a fake message from the child molester guy and put it on my female coworker's desk. It reads as follows:

Hi (female coworker),
I had a great time last night.
Call me.

(chester molestor guy's real name)

I then taped a leftover valentine candy heart that said "only you" to the bottom of the note.

That should make up for her endless harranging of me about Hot IT Guy. You all know that I burn for Hot IT Guy, but I have not told anyone that and I will never admit it unless Hot IT Guy were to ask me himself. In which case, I'd tell the truth, but probably turn bright red. She thinks it is funny to make little cracks about how I think he is hot. (Is it that obvious? I think it is time to sign up for some acting lessons) I do not think it is funny. It's more like picking at a scab.

Speaking of Hot IT Guy, all of my efforts to block my feelings for him do not work. As much as I try to deny them and make them go away, they stay. When I am asleep and my mind is free to think of all the things that I won't let it think during the day, it goes into overdrive. As a consequence, my sleep is restless and I wake with a heavy heart and a sinking feeling in my stomach. He gets under my skin so deep, unlike anyone-ever. A crush is supposed to go away, not last for more than a year. But it doesn't go away and it will never turn into a relationship because he sees me as a friend. *sigh* This isn't a crush.

For lack of a more polite term, it is a perpetual mind f***.

Every night he is in my dreams. Every freaking night. This has got to stop. It hurts and I need my beauty sleep.

If ever my days become like what runs through my head at night, my life would be bliss.

Instead, for the moment, I slap on a happy face and keep on keeping on. For now I will focus on getting things done and over with J. There is no love there, but I still want to end things with as much dignity and tact as possible. I'm tired of the roommate situation we have. I want to be free from this farce. It is as if I have a grown male dependent, with none of the cuteness, innocence, or fun of a true dependent (i.e. a child). I want a partner, an equal.

I also intend to remain polite, but distance myself from Hot IT Guy. It is entirely too painful to be around him when he is thinking friends and my mind is filled with thoughts of him that are not entirely friendship related. I don't want to fail him as a friend. I'll be there if he asks. I just hope that he doesn't want to talk about his feelings for or free-time activities with ladies. I'd rather have my nipples sawed off, but I would listen. I will however keep any unsolicited attention from me at zero. He doesn't deserve to have me being a constant annoyance to him.

I can't expect Mr. Right (meaning someone who feels equally for me. I deserve that.) to show up if J is in the picture and/or I'm pinning for someone that doesn't want me at all.

Here I go. *slaps on happy face.*

Un Secret (Félix Arvers) | 1833

Mon âme a son secret, ma vie a son mystère:
Un amour éternel en un moment conçu; Le mal est sans espoir, aussi j'ai dû le taire,
Et celle qui l'a fait n'en a jamais rien su.

Hélas! j'aurai passé près d'elle inaperçu, Toujours à ses côtés, et pourtant solitaire,
Et j'aurai jusqu'au bout fait mon temps sur la terre,
N'osant rien demander et n'ayant rien reçu.

Pour elle, quoique Dieu l'ai faite douce et tendre,
Elle ira son chemin, distraite, et sans entendre
Ce murmure d'amour élevé sur ses pas;

A l'austère devoir pieusement fidèle,
Elle dira, lisant ces vers tout remplis d'elle:
"Quelle est donc cette femme?" et ne comprendra pas.

Translation of first paragraph: One sweet, sad secret holds my heart in thrall;
A mighty love within my breast has grown, Unseen, unspoken, and of no one known;
And of my sweet, who gave it, least of all.

You'll have to use google to figure out the rest.

Tip: sometimes their translator uses "it" when it should use "he" or "she" and "he" or "she" when it should use "it".

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