'Cause I'm a Loser Baby

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Have you read these?

Privacy - Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007

'Cause I'm a Loser Baby - Monday, Jun. 25, 2007

Movies - Wednesday, Apr. 11, 2007

Too Much Excitement - Sunday, Apr. 01, 2007

Spring is Finally Here - Sunday, Mar. 25, 2007

Read a random entry of mine.

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Monday, Jun. 25, 2007 - 3:32 p.m.

So, life has been quite the roller coaster ride. Things are coming to a head and threatening to boil over. It seems like things are coming at me from all sides and I've got no one on mine.

The ongoing J drama is, well, ongoing. However, we had the official talk about the deadline date that things are supposed to be magically wonderful between us (or at least remotely normal) or we file for divorce. I'm am NOT happy at all with my marriage but I haven't been rushing to file either because I am worried about ****ing up my kid (not like it is all that healthy to see our disfunction either, but still I worry) and because I don't really know whether it is better to stick with the evil you know or go with the evil you don't know. I see it as a lose/lose situation really. I don't like the evil I know and I am fairly certain that Mr. Wonderful, should he exist, is not going to want to go out with a divorced, single mother in her mid-thirties.

What really disturbs me is the loss of the dream. You know - house, white picket fence, 2.5 kids. I can buy my own house and picket fence, so I'm not worried about finding a man for that (In fact I don't NEED a man for anything, but I sure do WANT one - not just any man though), but I really, really want 1-2 more kids. If I stay married, I won't have more children either because of what he did to me with the first one and his lack of parental interest. It would not be right to bring another child into that situation. If I divorce, the men my age who are single either already had their 2.5 kids and aren't looking to have more, or they haven't had kids but would rather deal with the nubile twenty-something little chickipoo who hasn't had any either. *sigh* I don't want to be the crazy lady who lives by herself with 20 cats. I can assure you that was most certainly not my dream. I really want a family, a real family, not this farce. *sigh*

This situation has sucked the get up and go right out of me. I have always been the type to push beyond my comfort zone, continually challenge myself, and do so without fear. I embraced it as a learning and growth thing. I've even been known to say, "If I don't keep learning and growing, I might as well be dead. That is what life is about." Now all the wind is out of my sails and I can't even move forward.

I was talking to my good friend H asking her advice on whether or not I should take this personal growth class that Hot IT Guy introduced me to (I think he sensed that I'm a mess. After all, nothing says I think you're a mess like, "why don't you check out this personal growth class with me?" but it was nice that he was concerned about me on some level.). She was stunned that I was even asking her about something like that. She said, "you have always been one to push beyond the comfort zone, so this shouldn't even be an issue." That got my wheels turning because she was SO right. I started thinking, "Has it really gotten this bad? Has J beat me down this much?"

It would really be helpful if I could talk about the J situation with a friend, but I don't like to pull people into my quagmire. I also don't really want to admit to others how beaten down I am. I got myself into this mess and damn it! I'm going to get myself out of it. It would be nice to have a hug or a few words of support though.

So, for stress relief I have been hanging out with my gay male friend and blowing off steam. There is nothing like the safety of being in a group of guys who can chat and be nice to you with no possibility of alterior motive. I can truely let my hair down. Although it would be much more of an ego boost if an actual heterosexual male was interested in me as a person, and not just a piece of @ss. I have so much to offer:

-intelligent, educated
-good sense of humor, if you don't mind sarcasm
-able to support myself
-good cook
-high sex drive
-good listener
-I'm no Ms. America, but I'm not hard on the eyes either
-love to learn about/try new things and discuss news/current events
-polite and appreciative of the small things
-Not a lunatic, compulsive gambler/shopper, alcoholic/addict, or criminal
-make every effort to keep my word
-honest unless it involves something that might hurt your feelings (like rather than telling someone that yes that dress does make you look fat when they ask, but suggesting that they wear the purple one instead.)
-loyal (if you give me your trust, I will have your back, although if I find out you don't have mine, I'll drop you so fast, you won't know what hit you.)
-kind hearted, willing to help the underdog, do charitable work, etc.

Did you hear that Mr. Wonderful? Don't pass me by.

Until then, the battery operated boyfriend will have to suffice.

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